Guest post by Anders Palm of Expat.vn
Dating in Vietnam is an adventure in itself. Vietnam has a traditional society which is beneficial for mostly the men, as when you get married women should be virgins and men experienced. It is not uncommon for men to talk openly about having both their “rice” (the wife or steady girl) and their “noodle soup” (the unofficial girlfriends).
To get a proper overview, we will need to clarify that there is a huge difference in culture between Ho Chi Minh City (formerly known as Saigon) and smaller cities. HCMC is much more westernized and the dating styles within its borders are as contrasted as the city itself; you have the traditional Vietnamese, the young, free and modern Saigonese, expats from all over the world and the returned from abroad Vietnamese (a.k.a Viet Kieu).
Vietnamese dating
As a westerner, you tend to fall back on nightlife as the solution to being single. Often problematic elsewhere, it is even harder in Vietnam. I know several Vietnamese girls who would never meet me in a bar and absolutely nowhere at all after 10pm. After excluding the vast majority of Vietnamese girls from night clubs and bars, ladies of the night have become a normal part of nightlife here, as in most South East Asian countries. Even if you do not interact with them, you should know there are plenty of them in most establishments and they are not as easy to spot as one would like.
So with other words, better to meet proper locals in a non-alcohol environment such as a coffee shops, at work, in traffic (everyone is on a motorbike and its slooow), in school etc. The Vietnamese are an unbelievably warm and friendly people, so if you want to go out with someone, simply ask if they want to go for a coffee or maybe watch a movie at the cinema. If you do not feel confident doing that there are several dating websites which are quite popular. Some targeted more towards the import of a wife from Vietnam, but a few good ones as well.
Not surprisingly, there are a few important cultural differences between Vietnam and western countries to consider. First of all, most Vietnamese girls do date with long term plans in mind. Spending the night together in a casual way is not very common. Also remember that the only public display of affection which is really accepted is hugging in the park on Friday nights. As it is an old fashioned society and men normally still are the bread winners in the family, it is suggested that the men pay for expenses during dates.
Interesting complications
You will run into plenty of funny situations, for example when someone overestimates their language capabilities. I went on a date with a girl that chatted quite well in English, but when meeting up I realized that she had been using Google Translate for every single sentence. Suddenly my Vietnamese vocabulary felt a bit insufficient.
It might sound overly complicated, but in the end of the day, dating someone from a completely different culture is extremely beneficial as you will learn a lot about that person, their country and yourself. Language barriers also push you to learn the local language and give you the opportunity to help someone to improve their English, which will help them enormously in the future.
I imagine it to be much easier to be dating for marriage here as it is very important for most Vietnamese women and their families. I on the other hand am a young expat with no current intention of settling down, but am still not a fan of drama and broken hearts. I have dated both foreign and Vietnamese girls in my 3 years in HCMC, and my feeling so far is that opinions and preferences are as diverse as people here, thus all you can do is to adopt the trial and error principle. Just ensure to make everyone’s intensions clear before swimming in the deep end of the pool.
About the Author: Anders Palm is a Swedish expat in Ho Chi Minh City and the founder of www.Expat.vn, a service company for expats in Vietnam.
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It’s a good start with the tips. The biggest thing I can’t emphasize enough is the traditional long term mindset that a Vietnamese girl will have. You shouldn’t start a relationship that you think will last a season and before you settle on the “definitions” of what you are in, you should give long and hard thought to the marriage question. If it’s not what you want it’s probably better not to let it go further.
Yes, it’s hard to plan that far and better to end a bad relationship then start a rotten marriage, but these are the questions any foreigner should be pondering, even on the very first date. You’ve got to honor that girl right from the start.
Hey Tyler, thanks for dropping by here.
For me, my approach has always been to get to know people as friends first. And when you find that friend can potientially become a better friend or even best friends, things can easily go from there, be it further into a dating relationship (then lifelong friend as a partner), a business friend, etc. In this way, you can always count on that friendship as a basic foundation.
I think they are also influenced by the society’s thought and most importantly- parents.(There is Vnese quote ”An c? l?p nghi?p”, it means ” should have a good family then will be successful in career”).So,when they are dating, they will think about the long term commitment ( most of people).In some cases, young people are in the dilemma between the way they want in their life and the responbilities with family/parents. (Vnese believe that if you don’t have children to maintain the continuity of a family life, you are ill-fated).Moreover, if you get 30 and still don’t get married , all the memebers in the family and relatives will put pressure on you .Sometimes, they will call you”? v?” ( with male) or ”? ch?ng ( with female)and making jokes on you which is not comfortable at all
Not only Vnese girls want to have long term minds, but also the guys do.I was proposed by a vnese guy when I was dating with him for a short time which,at that time, I thought it was half-baked. Nowadays, when young girls live more ambitiously,have stable career,they don’t care about the marriage anymore. They can have own kids ( if you know some Vnese celebrities cases) and still live happily without marriage.
@ author: You should find out more the reason why Vnese have the ”long term state of mind in dating” and I think you will understand why they have it in their mind.
Hey Tramy, thanks for your thoughts
I guess this idea of a ‘long term’ relatioship applies to most of us Asian. And this is a good value.
And this tie in exactly with my comment earlier about becoming friends with everyone first. When you go meet people with that idea, you then won’t pretend to be what you are not. From there, judge if they can accept you for who you are and then think further about a dating relationship.
Thank for understanding my Asian ‘s thought. Honestly, I don’t like the ”long term mind” either, however, I can understand why people behave and think like that. Not many young people in Vn have open-minded ,so they still keep thinking about the stable and secure life in which ‘marriage’ plays important role.:)
Btw,Ben, can you put Vnese accent software like unikey or vietkey in the ‘comment’ part…my last comment didn’t show the vnese accent.Thanks.
Alo Tramy, if you use ‘notepad’ to compose your comment and then paste it here, will it help?
Also, u coming to teh next Tweetup?
i think these days the word “long-term” seems to be considered as being committed to the relationship and your eyes not going wandering, not that you have to tie the knot or something similar eventually. Just date with an open mind ’cause you never know what’s gonna come around the corner.
Not sure if I agree about ‘dating with an open mind’. I’m old school and prefer ‘dating with only eyes for her’
Halo, sorry to reply late, I will go there,not sure will be there on time, it depends on the traffic. Maybe this time we can talk more than the last one ^ ^
Try to be on time as there’s a great lucky draw going on
Yeah, we should chat more the next time